I am feeling depressed tonight.
I don't know what made me think of it, but I decided to get online tonight and look up information on an old friend from high school that died in 2006 (Corey Mason). I still don't really know how he died; I was in Ohio at the time and I don't know his family. I wasn't really close with him, but I was close enough. I knew him primarily from my church youth group, and after that we crossed paths frequently enough. He was at my wedding only a few months before he died. And within the same month, another high school friend (Brian Wicks) died . He took his own life.
Dominic's Grandma Bea passed away this year, and that's been very hard on us all. She is the closest person to me that's ever died. During my pregnancy last year, Dominic and I often talked about naming Melody after Bea. It's ironic, because Melody looks so much like Grandma Bea! She makes these faces, and I can see Bea. But for whatever stupid reason we didn't give her the name. "Melody Grace" sounded prettier. Of course now I'm so mad we didn't name her after Bea. I briefly considered changing her name (middle name, obviously) after the fact. Her death was heartbreaking. She had cancer, and she kept telling us she would be gone soon. We didn't grasp that, and we thought she'd at least have a few more years. It's such an odd feeling. A concept I can't grasp. One day she's there, and the next day I can't call her to thank her for the Christmas card. I'll never forget how I kept putting off calling her that month, and then I lost the chance.
And then I began looking through some pictures from the past, and I found the disk from Julian's 1st birthday. He was so little. So close in age to Melody right now. I loved him so much. Now he bugs me so much. I'm always yelling at him, trying to get him to hear me, listen to me, stay quiet, don't jump on the couch, don't sneak candy, don't talk back, don't throw in the house. We don't have fun anymore. I don't play with him. I don't even know how. I wonder if it is because I have another baby, or if it would have happened even if he'd remained an only child. I feel like a horrible mother, almost like I've fallen out of love with my son. Obviously I still love him. I think about him every second of the day, and know him inside and out; what he wants, what he needs, if he's safe, hungry, sleepy...But it's not like when he was little. It's not like how I am with Melody. Something is missing. The excitement about being his mom every day. The joy in seeing him accomplish things. The fun of making him laugh. It's there, just not as strong. And it's not fair to him. And I don't know how to get it back. Is this some sort of biological reaction to having another child? Or is it just who I am? If it's just me, that's horrible. I don't want to be that person.
On a happier note, I have kept my kitchen clean for two nights in a row! And I'll be going to bed before midnight tonight. Hopefully, I will have something more cheerful for my next entry. I've been experiencing some writer's block recently.
Pictures from Julian's 1st birthday (October 16, 2006)